Open my ears

Dear God-

I have wasted the last 50 years of your creation frolicking in every sinful, vile activity; all the while asking you for direction to my life.  In the last 1 1/2 years my wife and I have come to you – to be born again in your life, love and blood.  Father I am so human, my selfishness of I comes forward just as it has all my life.  I have never rejoiced in the miracles you created in my life—recovery in youth of Cerebral palsy, alcohol/drugs, children and companionship.  I am lost Lord, even now as I read your words, I struggle to hear you.  To live your words, to find the ultimate hope.  I pray dear father that you will open my ears—to hear your forgiveness, to hear your encouragement, to hear YOU.  I pray to remove my self from the equation and focus on your works. I pray to be less of me and more of you.  I am lost in this world and with that fear all the days ahead you will give me.  Why did I turn from you?  When you saw me in the womb and made me did you see all the sin?  Did you or do you still have hope for me?  I long so desperately to hear you.  I feel the depression of being unconnected to you truly and it is affecting my relationship with my wife, kids,friends and everyday life.  I give up.  Please open my ears.  Amen