abba.

she’s all i’ve got and I hate her. 🙁

most nights I wish she wasn’t my mum, I wish I wasn’t alive, I wish I didn’t live here, I wish God, that you would just deliver her already from this oppression she’s living in. God take her desire away to drink, God I’m begging you please. She wastes away in her room, and when she comes out she just verbally and emotionally abuses her children – God you know she is pushing us away, and in return we’re pushing her away. God why was I born into such fucking brokeness, sorry excuse me, but honestly, why??? Please tell me why this family? Why is it to difficult to leave here? Why do I feel so alone and angry? Why can’t you be enough for me, why do I search for acknowledgement, and recognition and acceptance and love elsewhere? I feel like nothing I do, like everything I’m passionate about is just disregarded, that if I’m not going to earn money in it that it’s a waste of time and effort. She makes me so angry, the sin inside her makes me soooo furious that I know I’m going to erupt very soon from hiding it so well. God I need you to show up and break me, I need you to deliver me and make me whole, I need you to bring out this forgiveness and take away this bitterness and resentment. Teach me how to forgive God, I need you to move in this family soooo much right now!! God come and break this family in order to bring it back together!! In your Holy and healing name I ask, amen.