Forgiveness & Guidance

Dear God,

I don’t remember when I last spoke to you. I was young…Dad still preached your word and the world wasn’t so grey. Things were black and white then…right or wrong. I find myself lost and in need of guidance. And while I feel selfish for being so asking in my first prayer in so long, I am unsure where to turn.

I am lost in this world, in this life, and within myself. I was so young when I first felt like this. I thought you abandoned me as my father did. I thought I was invisible to your gaze…like I was forced into the shadows where your light knows no truth. I was wrong. Please forgive me in thinking this way. I have no excuse. And so I ask for forgiveness.

I have lied in this lifetime. I have lied to the people around me, lied to the ones who have come to love me…and lied to myself. I have damaged the vessel that you created to carry my soul. When I wasn’t deliberately harming it, I was filling it with food that neither nourished nor satisfied. I have spent years trying to fill the dark hole that grew inside me. I am filled with doubt, fear, anger, frustration and envy. And I don’t want to do it anymore.

I can’t keep living this way. I live in a prison of my own making. My depression rules me. I don’t leave the house. I don’t engage with people. I don’t trust. I don’t truly love anyone. I have hated myself and my existence for so long. I have tried to take my own life numerous times. I don’t know if it is from depression or desperation. I have tried to fix myself for so many years and have failed each and every time. I still binge eat. I still idealise harming myself and ending my life. And I want to stop. I don’t want to resort to these things any more. Because I want to live.

At this very moment I am lucky. I have choices to make. And i am in a position to make them. To make changes or to continue down this path. There are no doubt other options that I don’t currently see. I am still just as lost as I was all those many years ago. I need guidance. I need light. I need hope.

God, I am here. I ask for forgiveness. I ask to forgive me for the people I have hurt, wronged and taken advantage of. I ask that you show me the ways In which I can make right what I have wronged. I ask for forgiveness for what I have done to myself and my life. I am a failure. I want to make a difference in this lifetime. I want to respect myself as you gave me the chance of life and I have wasted it. Please help me to accept who I am? Please guide me in the direction that I need to go so that I can be the person you created me to be? Please give me the courage to live truly to myself and those around me? Please fill me with hope and discipline to make the changes I need to in order to be healthy, fit and physically able to live life?

I am here, God. Please forgive me and guide me?