An open letter to God
Dear God,
It’s me Maria Angelica. I have to admit it has been awhile since we have had an open conversation. Mainly because I lost that sense of connection that time I was crying in my bed asking “Why?” knowing fully well that I asked for it. By it, I mean being accepted to graduate school in Arizona. Yes, I cried, begged, pleaded, promised, and basically gave myself to the Universe in order to get there. And sure enough, you blessed me with such thing. A year in Phoenix, a Masters Degree, and a whole bunch of situations that made me want to stay & ultimately countdown the days till I left. I want to know what You saw. Did You see me struggle? Did You see me make careless decisions? Did You see me begin to take a downward spiral? Did You see me in the good times? Did You see me change over time?
I have to say that I lost faith that July in Phoenix. I had never heard myself wail so hard in my Life. As if I was watching someone else cry themselves to sleep. It was so out of body that I could not even tell myself to stop. I had so many questions spiraling through my mind. From then on, I could not or would not ask for your help. As if I did, I would once again be punished. I’m sure that You are not that type of Divine. I know you as the all Loving & Caring one. But I was ANGRY, LET DOWN, and in search for anything that would toughen me up.
All that year, I felt empty. I went from talking to You every night to not at all. So a Big chunk of who I was was cleared out. I would hear people say”pray, He will hear you” or countless ” God sent you here for a reason” but that went from one ear to another. And yet when I was at my lowest of low, I was too afraid & prideful to ask for help. I sometimes think that if we would have kept our nightly talks I would have gained soooo much more strength & wisdom when I was away.
So now, I am back to trying to find You..Are You inside me? or Should I find you at my local church? During my run? Through some type of D