Dear God,

It is clear that in every since of the mortal coils, you really do not care about the fiefdom of men.  The rules, laws and currency that you use do not matter, be it bits of shiny rock or printed color papers.  The actions of governments are not your hand: death and resources are dispensed with reasons of men, not the the mind of love or hate.  I have been turned away by every church, temple, or spiritual or religious people, told to leave “Christian” booths when I ask questions or add to conversations.  Even a depression support group turned me away.  I feel all those whom I have every turned to for light have darkness and self-interest at heart.  And all my support has lost itself.  If we each are a candle in your choir, what good would it do to lose one small light?  Is this why I have been asked to leave Baptist, Non-denominational, Buddhism, Hindu, Islam, Gnosticism, Wicca, and all the flawed, flawed forms that do not take into account the grand work you have done? 

Maybe I should start off with reminding you about the situation I have found this life to be.  You recall that my birth was to save a marriage falling apart?  The couple did not like each other and decided to have a child to bring them together?  I guess that was the thinking in early 1980’s rural Kentucky.  Two poverty people making a baby, for whatever reason you thought it to be right.  The marriage didn’t last, and I was to blame, you know.  I guess I could not bring the love into the family like they wanted.  Father left, and a few short years latter Mother died of cancer.  I always told myself that things would get better as time went on.  That once I get out of high school I would go to college and join the military.  Went to college, but was too sick and found to be “unfit” for active fighting duty.  Maybe your way of protecting me, to stop something inside from sending me into harm’s way.  But I rebelled against it, must have to be you since I had no other family to rebel against, and found myself as a civilian in the military, working to support.  Rules of man stepped in and took it away, give the position to those who had fought and stopped my job.  So I tried to study beyond the 16 years normally required by my society.  Just not good enough on the reading to pass the graduate test.

Now I’m almost 30 years old, and the only things which have changed are war scares, post-traumatic stress, and unemployed educational debt.  I never touched a drug or broke laws, but I have shot at fellow man. 

Those before me have made bad choices; they would have spent their own body parts and sold them for high-end televisions, computers, or cars if others of their generation would allow it.  They collapsed their own economy, and their children have to pay a price.  I find myself losing so much to them and the choice to educate myself – a price the middle class never worried about.  I couldn’t afford the higher education either and lost the mortal games.  I’m too tried to seek and go on.  Your hands do not touch the minds of others – that would stop their free will, the most holy gift you’ve given to them.  They must choice to allow each of us to fall or support their neighbor’s home and welfare, the class system is not something you set in any text or interfere in anyway.  It is something each person makes in greed for over $250,000 paychecks.

I had friends, once.  But as always, I ask too much and speak the wrong things.  I’ve never brought the kindness into life that I was meant to, a burden I share with Atlas and Sisyphus. Because I cannot make others welcomed, happy or loved I must carry the world alone.  Because I note the differences and remove the esoteric, I must suffer the divine fire of Prometheus and be chained.  I know the price for the lack of love.

I’ve meet nothing but malice and manipulative people God.  People who only see the world in their own way and ask why I refuse to bow before them.  People who think I cannot acomplish goals and task when I must prove them wrong.  I feel like the mana, the stone rejected by the builders.

I only ask the next world have nothing to do with this.  I have been told that I will be condemned to hell – I do not fear it.  All I fear is living this life over again.  Dreams and family torn away, man as cruel no matter what happens.  I’ve seen it in war and I’ve seen it at home, in peace.

I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a being with your presence with no feet.  But when you learn to walk without shoes and others step on your toes, you sometimes wish for the lack of feet.

I pray for guidance, Dear Lord, Grand Architect, Allah, Atman, Adam, Yahshua, or any of the other names.  I pray in blood to wash away all the pain and hope, the loss and joy.    Maybe it is to wrong of me Lord – but at times I even pray for the loss of this world.

Is it wrong?  Is that my Great Sin against the new Adam; and does that make me an anti-Christ?  I will bear it alone, in my mind if I must. If this offends the all – I pray that it be lost in cyberspace, no name, no attachment, no trace.

Somehow, it is my only hope too.