I know I’m pushing my luck…

Dear God,

I know that I’m pushing my luck a little bit.

I’m not even 100% sure on where I stand with religion. On one side, I can feel you, and I just *know* you’re there. On the other, however, I still find the idea a little hard to comprehend.

The truth is, when I was younger, I used to believe in you, and if anybody had told me otherwise I would have strongly disagreed. When my sister, Katy, died when I was 10, I kind of thought to myself, ‘Why would God let this happen? I though the was the good guy?”

I was young at the time, but that changed my opinion on the way I saw the world. I didn’t see it in the innocent way children see things, I saw things a different way that I can’t really describe.

Lately, however, I’ve felt you, something I never would have considered plausible beforehand. I’ve been wanting to pray to you, but honestly, I haven’t been wanting to pray to you until I knew for certain that you’re actually there, because I think it would be wrong to do otherwise.

But then I thought to myself, there’s no way to be certain, is there? When I was an atheist, I still kept an open mind, I still had that little part of me that believed that you were there. And now, I believe you are there, there’s still a part of me that believes that you might not be.

I’m sorry, but, as I’m sure you know, you can’t control your beliefs. I wish I believed in you, 100%, maybe that way I wouldn’t feel so alone, so frightened. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared of the unknown, because I know that, if you are real, there is nothing to be scared of. Everything happens, and I can’t control most of it, can I? And so, if worst comes to worst, at least I’ll be with you in heaven.

I know I said I wouldn’t pray to you until I’m certain, but, and I know this sounds terrible – I don’t think I’ll ever be certain, or, at least, more certain than I am now.

I know I’m pushing my luck, but I want my granddad to be safe and happy, and I just want you to look after him and know that his family will love him forever. He did not deserve alzheimers, but I’m thankful that he got to life until 93. Thank you.

I just want him to be happy.

And I also pray that my grandmother will find the strength to carry on. She’s on her own, she’s lonely, and this was a big shock. Not only her, but for the rest of my family too. But especially her. She’s on her own.

I trust you. Thank you.