lost and losing the battle

God, i have fought many battles. most of them financial. they bore me, and still, i face them. i have been told over and over again, by all who meet me how talented I am. that Im a great guy. that i’m professional. and yet i still haven’t found my profession and i’m 38. i try and try and sometimes you let me find something for a few months and then it goes away. and i thought this last job would change my life for the better but i was laid off and now alone. i came here to make a new life and now I have to sell all my possessions and return from where i came. and it was so hard back there. it’s so confusing for me lord. and i am alone. i don’t have a wife, a partner, a lover or anyone who can help me see. i feel i am blind. a fool walking around trying to find a way through this world. sometimes i close my eyes at night and try to imagine how i will fight for the next forty years because the first half of this life has been so frought with fighting. i have tried to make myself a better person. i slip and sin and get up and walk towards you and still i don’t know. i don’t know where to go. what to do. or why i am so alone. it hurts. i look forward to putting this all behind me and joining you and Jesus in the heavenly city when I die. but until then, please give me the strength to fight more and find my way. or rather, Your way. Give me discernment to make wise choices because I am a fool. I will make wrong decisions without your guiding love. look in pity upon my small mishapen life and please accept it as Yours to mold. lead me please along lines of wisdom and strength. i’m so lonely, lord. and I don’t like this world too much. but i don’t want to die without trying more. please give me the power to try harder, fight smarter, and live better. Amen