Maybe I should have listened

I have not had a hard life at all. God you have blessed me in every which way possible. But lately, it’s like you have taken everything I care about and said well lets just see what it is like to take all of that away. My best friend, my future husband, my everything, my love of 4 years decided you gave him hints to end our relationship. You, GOD, initiated that!? Did you not see how much we cared for each other!?!? I understand I should have and could have listened more when he asked to fix a few things, for we started to fight a lot. I could have done better. We stopped going to church as often, you were not the center of our relationship anymore. Sorry about that. Maybe I should have listened better. But I did the best I could and loved the best I could. He was my first love, we had plans to get married someday, going from talking every day to nothing at all now. It’s to hard. And we were just about to get back together and then now he has a “shield” against me because I hurt HIM!? He hurt me!? It’s all about hurting each other in love isn’t it? I hurt him. He hurt me. I love you but I also hate you. Love and hate are so closely related it is scary. He has this shield up for everyone, INCLUDING me, and can stand being friends and we tried but I could not. Love and “being friends” does not work. But you didn’t give me a shield? Come on give me some anger God so I can also not want to trust him either. If you can do anything do something! Am I talked to a wall!? WOW thanks god! THANKS! I have grown a lot. I agree. But on top of that you also deleted 3 of my best friends from my life including MY best friend all in the same month! And now you have told me to stay off the radar and be alone to grow. On top of that I am trying to get started in my career. I have way to much stresses in my life. I am glad I have found you again God and we have started a relationship. But I feel also that means separating myself from everyone. So basically you want me to be alone so you can “work” your magic on me I guess. I just want you to know I’m mad, no, furious at you. I loved him and still do. Will you bring him back? Although I just told him I could not stand being friends. Wonder if I will ever see him again. Thinking of him with another girl and me with another guy makes me sick.  I miss my friends. I miss my social life. I miss my real smile and laugh. I hope you keep catching my tears in a bottle so that sometime you might bless me again. For the lord seems to love to give, but also to take away, sometimes all at once. I am barely trusting you God. And I am pissed off. Amen.