Where are you?

God, I don’t understand why you have abandoned me. I admit that I haven’t been the best person to anybody. Ever. But you know darn well that I have tried. And all for what? All for nothing. All I get in return is lies, cheats, deceit, betrayal. Why? All I have ever given anybody is the best of me. 100% of me. I don’t understand why I always end up alone.

It’s been a little over a year since I got dumped, on my birthday, via text. I know it’s stupid to still feel this crappy about it. It’s pathetic but God, you know I was in love with him. You know how I felt about him. And you know how I felt after everything. So worthless, so stupid, so dumb, so ugly, so blind. The first time I commit myself to somebody, the first time I make myself vulnerable, the first time I accept and give love, and this happens to me. I get cheated on, played and lied to. Wow.

And I knew so many people, and I had one best friend, and nobody was there to cry with me. Why? And now I hate everyone. I hate me. I hate you. I ask you for nothing big. I ask you for happiness. I ask you for a better day. I ask you for positivity. I ask you for a change. I ask you for a sign. ANYTHING! a shooting star, a moving cloud, a moving tree, rain. I’ve asked for everything. You do nothing for me. I hate you. I hate that I believe in you. I hate that you can’t just have me die already. I hate that I can’t kill myself because I believe in you and I believe in hell. I hate everyone. I have so much hate and resentment in my heart and mind, I’m going crazy. And you’re still not here. I’m just gonna join the navy and hope for the best because you don’t do anything for me. I’m done with you. I’m done sitting around, wasting my time, waiting for something to happen. I dont even know what I wait for but I see that you didn’t wait for me so, I’m gonna go my own way and I hope that I die. I hope I die and I hope you feel bad and take me to heaven because I’m sick of this crap world.