You let me down

I tried so hard to be me, to be someone else, to be loved, to be loving, to be accepting, to be discerning, to be special, to be ordinary. I’ve been open. I’ve shared openly with people after keeping my abuse a secret for years. I felt like I was better but nothing changed.

Then, I felt like I was never praying or not praying right. Now I’m really not praying—and I know that I was. I don’t want to hope to meet someone who wants to do life with me anymore—so I don’t go to church anymore. Now I’m wondering if I went all these years just so I could get what I wanted.

People always say they are so blessed because they have a family. I was never able to have a family of my own, so I guess that means I’m not blessed. I have material things. I have the security I wanted—-for the most part—I may never retire now but I’m okay materially most of the time. I’ve traveled some, gotten an education, and lived where I’ve wanted to….but it doesn’t matter. I am alone.

I hate my life and I’m not grateful to be here. I don’t know that I ever was happy to be here. I don’t want to do this anymore but I don’t have the nerve to just end it.  I am so ashamed of how my life has turned out I can’t do ministry anymore. I can’t do anything right relationship wise—the essence of what a woman is supposed to be.  I am a living example of what not to do with your life. How could I get out of myself and help others now?

I believe you have to exist but I feel like a fool for trying to do what you want me to. I would have had a fuller life sleeping around going from boyfriend to boyfriend…and THEN ending up never married…instead of having had a life so barren that I don’t want it anymore—and I don’t even have any huge wild times to show for it.  I’m already dead inside most days I can’t believe people don’t know. I don’t know how long I can go on acting like everything is okay.